


ruin the sanity

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (nothing described only implied and said), Bullying, Homophobia, Insanity, Involuntary Manslaughter, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Tendenciess, Taeyong’s a Little Fucked Up, Toxic Relationships, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, abusive household, kinda happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: They knew their love wasn’t accepted.Johnny and Taeyong, but they still chose to peruse. Their hearts intertwined by pure bliss and happiness, they refused to let anything get in the way of their love.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27
Collections: Anonymous





	ruin the sanity

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic deals with heavy topics. Such as mental insatiability, self harm, suicidal tendencies, toxic relationships, and even manslaughter. 
> 
> While Johnny and Taeyong love each other, their relationship isn’t healthy and isn’t to be romanticized. Their fights that are explained meant to show that what seems like a cute teenage romance in the forever honey moon phase has been built of their destructive behavior. While Johnny’s character is merely there, only explained for what is another character, his nuclear family isn’t as happy as it seems. He does everything he does to escape that. Taeyong’s life is heavily implied to be full of misfortune and unhappiness, and his character can be sympathized with to a certain degree that he is unaware of his behavior and how it’s wrong. 
> 
> Please remember that as you read this, and remember to leave feedback and any questions you have below.
> 
> I know this fanfic is very short, but it’s a lot to take in and this is your warning to read all tags and take the precautions needed.
> 
> *IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM DO THESE CHARACTERS ACCURATELY REPRESENT THEM IN REAL LIFE. THIS IS FICTION AND SOLELY SHALL REMAIN FICTION. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.*

They knew their love wasn’t accepted. 

Johnny and Taeyong, but they still chose to peruse. Their hearts intertwined by pure bliss and happiness, they refused to let anything get in the way of their love. 

The younger one, Taeyong, who came to the world so naive and innocent that anyone could trick into the smallest tricks. His gullibleness and vulnerability never helped. With knobby knees and a button red nose, Taeyong was easy to pick out as the new kid. He has cuts and bruises all over his legs and as many band aids has he had fingers and toes. Taeyong walked with untied shoes and the same pair of overalls once a week. Teachers became concerned with his skinny body for only a child, but never pushed further. The young boy was picked on and messed with by the older kids. His hair was knotty and  _ maybe if your teeth weren’t so ugly you’d have friends  _ they’d say. But Taeyong, he had never taken it to heart. 

By ninth grade Taeyong was easily the biggest loser in the school. Thick glasses, acne, and braces that people had teased him for endlessly. He considered dropping out, but with how his at home life was going he wasn’t about to give into the desires. 

At a young age he had begun to have bad desires. Ones to hurt the ones that hurt him, but never acted upon them. He stayed back in the shadows and let them torment him to where the only thing he could hurt was himself. Taeyong became a burden to himself, one that he hadn’t been before. He was still gullible and wanted to be liked so badly, but he was nothing but a joke to everyone else. 

Taeyong remembers being ten and standing next to a dead squirrel, one the neighbors dog had probably killed. He hadn’t cried over it, instead he buried it and said a prayer. His parents scolded him and yelled at him for touching a dead animal.  _ Are you stupid?  _ They’d say, smacking his head with a book. 

Often enough Taeyong had been humiliated in front of the school. Whether it was the attack in fourth period gym class when they snapped pictures while he was changing, or poured water over his head while he was studying. Taeyong didn’t know if they didn’t like him because he was ugly, stupid, and unlovable, or if they were mean to him because they knew he was defenseless. 

He never considered himself attractive, he had weird lips and his eyes were too big. His body was sickly thin and he had knees that hurt when they would hit each other. 

Never in a million years did he think someone would talk to him. 

The older, his name is John, but Johnny to his friends and  _ John Seo  _ when he’s in trouble. He was tall and handsome, someone anyone would be attracted to if they had eyes. He had taken a liking to the poor boy who studied in the library because of the ruckus at home. Johnny was nice. He came from a nuclear family and had three dogs and two cats. His grades were perfect, but Johnny was a wild card that Taeyong was very attracted to. He did drugs, not any of the hard ones, and he beat people up if they were bitchy to him. Johnny has grown to be someone Taeyong wanted to be with always. His family was nice and fed him dinner, gave him the love and support, and in eleventh grade Taeyong went on vacation with them. 

Johnny and Taeyong got their own hotel room, and Taeyong lost his virginity to Johnny too. They were both high and in the morning it hurt, but Taeyong never felt better. Soon after Johnny and him decided to date. Taeyong got his braces off after he got back from vacation and for the first time in years he didn’t have to wear glasses. He managed to convince his mom for contacts, to which she was mad about but eventually forgot. Taeyong became better at taking care of himself and deemed himself moderately attractive. Johnny said he likes him no matter what he looks like, so that made him feel safe. 

They’re seventeen, stupid, and high when they go on a road trip one time. Johnny and him have sex to some  _ BROCKHAMPTON _ song and it feels so good. They make out for hours and Johnny teases him and calls him pretty names. 

The two of them are a little insane, but that’s okay. 

Taeyong learns to successfully shoplift the small tequila bottles from the back of the gas stations and not seem suspicious. He steals a ton and buys a few snacks for them so he doesn’t just walk in and out with nothing. One time he stole a bottle of vodka that someone had left outside the glass container that the employees would hawkeye you if you opened it. 

When he gets back to Johnny, they drink and fuck around in the middle of nowhere. Taeyong gets horny and they fuck for hours, Johnny calling him pet names galore and making him feel  _ human  _ for once in his life. 

Hours later and they awaken in the back of Johnny’s old stupid pick up truck that his parents bought from his crazy uncle. They mess around a little more and Johnny somehow finds a stash of weed in the back of the seat. 

They get high, and Taeyong sits in Johnny’s lap while  _ Born to Die  _ echos through his ears. Johnny makes a sudden decision to get tattoos. They’re old enough with their fake IDs and with their jobs they can afford to get small ones. 

Taeyong is slightly reluctant, but ends up getting a cloud on his chest, and Johnny gets a bolt of lightning. They go home that night after their weekend vacation glowing. 

Everyone assumes from happiness, but really it’s the sex and the drugs. 

Over the summer is when they have their first fight. They don’t know what it’s about, but they’re yelling at each other and Taeyong is crying because  _ god it feels like he’s at home.  _ But Johnny doesn’t lay off, calls Taeyong a needy whore and is too reliant on him. Taeyong cries and collapses at the words and says he’s sorry millions of times, and then Johnny pulls him up and wipes his tears. 

Sorry is what he says, and kisses the top of his head. 

Taeyong doesn’t mention how hurt he is by those words, so he accepts the apology with salt to an open wound. 

Maybe Taeyong is a little fucked up in the head. He envisions hurting himself and others, all of the ones who had hurt him in the past dying in his hands and he’s scared. The thoughts had vanished momentarily when he met Johnny, but one night his Dad took his own life and left him, his little brother, and Mother all alone. His mom's job was shitty so Taeyong began to pay bills. He’s seventeen for god's sake, and he doesn’t tell Johnny because it’s embarrassing. 

They don’t even have a funeral for the shitty man that was his father. One day they gave them a pot of ashes and Taeyong holds onto it, he hates it. He wants to destroy it like the man destroyed his life. 

So that’s what he does, he takes the pot of ashes and throws it into the lake without another thought. Years of pain and abuse drown before his eyes and Taeyong feels nothing. 

Johnny and him meet up and they have sex for the first time in a while, that’s when Taeyong drops the bombshell that he threw his fathers ashes into the lake. At first Johnny looks at him with curious eyes, but Taeyong says he’s finally free. 

He doesn’t mention the bills he is helping to pay and the fact his little brother may be taken away by CPS. He just couldn’t get it out while Johnny’s dick was eight inches deep. 

There’s something that doesn’t sit right in Taeyong’s stomach one day when he and Johnny go out for lunch. He feels weird, like he’s being watched. But whenever he looks around there is no one there. 

Taeyong turns 18 in a few months, and Johnny had just turned. His mother got a new job that paid better and Taeyong only really had to pay for his phone. The family was getting better and happier, his little brother wasn’t at risk and all was going fine. 

He wonders if his dad is burning in hell. Taeyong can only hope. His mother isn’t as insane anymore and only yells when she’s stressed. It’s a relief. 

They are set to go off to college as they’re in their senior year, but Taeyong feels like he’d rather just die than continue school. 

When the pair goes out that night, they drive off to their secret spot and get drunk. Taeyong confesses to Johnny that he loves him and Johnny says he loves him too. 

Taeyong’s urges in the summer become intense. He can barely hold back on his urges to hurt something or someone, so he opts to take a stroll by himself and throw things at trees and hurt  _ himself  _ to hold back said urges. Johnny doesn’t like when he uses the bud of a cigarette to burn himself or when he takes a razor to his thigh to relieve all of the hurt he feels. 

In secret on Taeyong’s eighteenth birthday he steals the gun that his uncle keeps in his house and decides it won’t be missed. Taeyong starts carrying a backpack wherever he goes with the gun because he suddenly becomes paranoid that everyone is out to hurt Johnny or his family. 

It was the week before college that Taeyong had almost taken his own life because the urges to  _ hurt  _ became strong. He had sobbed as Johnny yanked him off the bridge railing and cradled his sobbing body. 

Johnny made him go to therapy and Taeyong didn’t tell them about the urges he had. Only about how he had the desire to hurt himself and protect his loved ones no matter what. They didn’t know what to do with Taeyong, as he showed clear signs of suicidal tendencies and his self harm was very common, but Taeyong dismissed the accusations and said he wasn’t either. He would be fine with therapy. 

It didn’t help, but Taeyong lied and said it did. He didn’t want Johnny to be disappointed in him so he went to the therapy and learned to control his urges and thoughts. He felt calm next to Johnny and anyone who was to hurt him should pay for that. 

Taeyong was in denial of a lot of things. Maybe he was clinically insane, but he hadn’t wanted to say it. Johnny and he fought sometimes and when they did Taeyong had become weak to it and cried, Johnny would say mean things and Taeyong had a fragile heart, so it never was resolved, just finishing in a  _ sorry  _ and  _ I love you.  _

It was the truth they loved each other. But they were bad for each other at points, they’d get high and have sex till the sun rises and get drunk on the weekdays. College was rough, but Taeyong got the hang of it. 

The both of them ended up going to a community college outside of the city and bought their own apartment. They could do anything there. 

On the night of April 5th, the two of them were out and high off their asses. Taeyong had made himself cozy being wrapped around Johnny on his back. They were simply enjoying the night, when they had to take the wrong turn. 

Taeyong was pressing kisses to Johnny’s nape when suddenly his body was tugged off of Johnny’s and he was slammed into the ground. His face scraped rightly against the pavement. He felt hazed, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Johnny be shoved to the ground and kicked by a few guys in all black. 

“What the fuck are you doing!” Taeyong screamed, “Let him go, you fucking bitches!”

He tried to get up, but the one who tugged him down grabbed him by the hair and yanked him to his knees. 

“Fairy boys like you belong on their knees,” He whistled, “You gonna suck my dick like you do your boyfriends?” He lands a hard kick to his side and Taeyong whines. 

Taeyong went red, “No the fuck I’m not.” He tried to get free from the guy's grip and get to Johnny, who was now punching some other guy, “I suggest you let me go before I do something about it.”

Two fingers are shoved into his mouth, making him gag and almost throw up, but he doesn’t. Taeyong bites harshly on his fingers, catching the guy off guard so he pushes the man back and kicks him down with his foot. He reaches for his bag and shoves a hand into it, wrapping his fingers around the gun and takes a deep, shaky breath. 

In the distance he can hear police sirens, but it seems so far away and Taeyong is starting to see red. He repeats to himself to hold back, to not fight fire with fire, but the moment he sees Johnny get a knife pulled on him, Taeyong’s vision goes blank and he shoots. 

Ringing fills his ears and the guy with the knife drops and falls to his knees. Taeyong’s eyes widen and he drops the gun, and the gang backs off from Taeyong and looks at him in shock. Johnny stands up and runs to him, grabbing his body and shaking it. 

“Why did you shoot, Taeyong!” Johnny yells, “Baby, why did you have to shoot? You said you were getting better!” 

Taeyong’s head is underwater when the words come out, and he falls into Johnny like he’s made of nothing. 

He can’t hear anything, then there’s more commotion and he feels a pair of rough hands grab him and pull him up. The metal that is locked around his wrists hurt. 

When he looks out the window he sees Johnny yelling at the officers, “ _ He’s not fucking sane! We were being attacked and he lost control!” _

The officer put his hands out in a way to calm him down,  _ “Sir, we are going to protect him. You will be able to see him in a few days. This will be brought to court.” _

A year and two months later Taeyong sits in the courtroom. The only words he will speak are if Johnny is next to him. Taeyong isn’t being charged with first degree murder, he’s being charged with involuntary manslaughter under the plea of insanity. He isn’t sane. Medical tests have proven that. 

Taeyong barely has accepted that he was clinically insane. 

He gives his testimony at the stand and talks about what had exactly happened, and then his defense team is firing the prosecutors down with hard evidence. If Taeyong is found not guilty, he will be put into a mental facility until they deem him safe for the world again. If he doesn't plead insane, he’d go to prison for two years plus probation. Taeyong looks behind him as the judge gets the vote back from the jury to his mom. She is sitting with his little brother in her arms. His little brother makes a silly face and Taeyong smiles. 

Taeyong wonders if he grew up with a stable home if he’d turn out sane. 

_ “Taeyong Lee,”  _ The judge calls, and Taeyong stands.  _ “The jury has found you guilty on the charge of involuntary manslaughter under the circumstances that you are not mentally stable. You have been proven insane and therefore shall be put into special care for this plus a five thousand dollar fine towards the affected family.”  _ He slams the ballot and Taeyong nods. 

After the trial Taeyong is able to say goodbye to Johnny and his family for the time being, and then is taken away by a police car to the facility.

He is treated for mental insanity, suicidal and self harm tendencies. He’s allowed three visits a week and if he’s good he can see the other patients, but due to his charge of manslaughter he is supposed to be kept away from direct contact with patients for a couple months. 

Taeyong is in there for three years, where he is finally released after his exams came back better. The first thing he does is hug Johnny, who waits for him on the outside. He kisses him and tells him that he loves him no matter what. 

And for the first time in a while, Taeyong doesn’t feel like his head will spin off its axis. 

But deep down his heart desires torture. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, remember that comments will be appreciated and I will answer any concerns you may have.
> 
> Kudos appreciated as well.
> 
> Have a nice day.


End file.
